Why Istikharah?

Assalamu’alaykum peeps! HAIIIIII *insert excited reaction.jpg. *sigh. How long has it been? Hm.

Now, why do I write about istikharah? I don’t know. I just feel like writing about istikharah. Perhaps due to one particular event that had recently happened to me. And I just felt like, this is the time of my life, where all I need is “istikharah”. To be honest, I’ve only had performed istikharah for once before this (when I was in my secondary school) and I can barely remember the reason of my istikharah back then (sorry not sorry :p).

Now, for another time, I felt the need to do istikharah. Because I’ve come to the point where I felt so miserable of my own thoughts. Though I need to make one important decision for my life, I felt like my mind, most of the time was being elsewhere and nothing I felt is right. I couldn’t make any good and right decision. I just felt the need of full reliance on others, of Allah’s guidance to be exact. Yeah, I realised that now, the answer is, do istikharah.

That is why, ladies and gentlemen, the reason why I decided to write about istikharah now (from my point of view) after ages of not writing about anything (sorry not sorry, again :p).

So, what is istikharah? According to The Islamic Light (2014),

“The word Istikhara directly means, to ask Allah to guide one to the right sort of action concerning a job or deed. 'Khair' means good (asking Allah to guide you to the good or right answer). Meaning, you're not asking Allah to show you a vision, through a dream”.

Okay. For the first time in forever, I did a proper quoting for my post luls okay.

So, based on the definition above, we all know what istikharah means. It is basically the thing you’ll do to guide you in making decisions. Now, I am not going to talk about how we are going to be guided by istikharah or how to perform istikharah. I am just going to talk about why. Why istikharah? Of all decision-making methods/techniques in the world, but why istikharah?

Well, I guess, as for us Muslims. Istikharah is not really a decision-making method but it is a part of the process of making a good decision. Well you cannot just do istikharah alone to make one particular decision in your life right (?). The reason of one does istikharah is because they feel the need or want to be guided by The One that they believed to be al-‘Alim and al-Hakim. He is Allah, al-‘Alim and al-Hakim.

I do believe that in order to make a good, right and best decision for any great deals in life, you’ll always need istikharah. But before that, you should reason yourself of why you need istikharah. This is what I’ve been doing throughout my life so far. Whenever something came up and forced me to make a decision from a complex choice, I’ve always put istikharah as the last thing that I’ll do to complete my decision-making process. Nope. It is not that I refused to Islamising my decision-making process or not to referring to The All-Knowing to guide me in making a good decision.

You know, whatever things we do and we face in life, God already destines it. Everything has already planned for us. The thing is we will never know the truth. We will never know of what is the best for us. We might know what is good and what is bad but we might will come across one phase in life where the thing that we thought a good and right thing in the first place turned out that it was not really the best thing for us and the bad thing or bad decision is not necessarily going to bring the bad outcomes in our life.  

Now it depends on us, of how we could make a decision that will, at least decrease the probability of having a not-so-good outcome later on. In addition, the fact that, even anything that comes to us, like our instincts or helps from others or any books and online posts that we read or from our own observations of this world, those are basically from Allah. So the idea of putting istikharah as the last thing that I’ll do in life in making a decision, from my viewpoint, it is not because I put Allah aside in my life. It is because, I first, need to reason why should I perform istikharah. Was I already had a deep thought about that particular issue? How important was that issue? Was I minimised the choice and whatnot, to make things easier for me and others? Did I already do istisharah regarding the deal? Yea. Istisharah. Also a part of decision-making process I suppose. 

What is istisharah? It is basically when you ask a person who is an expert or knowledgeable or at least someone you trust that could give you some good ideas regarding the istikharah subject you wonder. I've come across few readings about which one should comes first; istisharah or istikharah? For me, it does not really matter of which one comes first. But how you try your best in making a good decision based on the 2 methods. Personally, I would prefer to do istisharah first. Then only I'll do istikharah (if I feel the need to). But note that istisharah and istikharah should complement each other especially when you are in the state of you could not even think right about making a good decision.

Now, this has come closer to the topic of "Why Istikharah?". I believe that whatever confusions we had in our mind, there must be reasons behind it. Perhaps, the confusions you had could be solved with you doing some readings about the issue or doing istisharah with others. It might be you have not yet in the state in which you are in need of istikharah to make a decision. You know, people, some might performed istikharah not only because they felt the need or wanted to be guided by Allah, but simply because they felt like they need to do it. Just because. Or simply because they had this thought where "istikharah" is a must in the process of making a decision. 

But the thing is there also some kinds of people in which #1 when they performed istikharah, they are full aware of the outcomes they might get; like the answers and the aftermath of deciding one particular thing. And even if it turned out that their decisions were not the best at the end of the day, they could just accept the fact that this, is part of their life; making a right or wrong decision that may affect their life. And #2 those who performed istikharah with the idea that, whatever decisions they will make after that is the result of the istikharah they have performed in which the objective is to make the best decision. So, when things started to be the way that they did not wanted it to be, they might blame the fate. Or worse they might have lost faith in God.

Those of #2 are the type that we should avoid of becoming one. That is why. Ask ourselves, why istikharah? Should it be a must in every decision-making process? To what extent you would rely on istikharah and have faith in whatever decisions or state God will put you in after you do istikharah? But one thing's for sure, Istikharah really going to help you a lot in making a very important decision that will later affect your whole life. As long as you have a fine level of tawakkal or faith in Allah and you know that no matter what, you could always accept your own qada' and qadr without questioning this and that in a bad way later on. 


Leaving you with that, I would love to remind you and my own self. Whatever outcomes that we may get after those decision-making process, even if things go the way we would not want it to. Always know that, He, Allah, al-'Alim and al-Hakim always and forever has the best plan for us.

Disclaimer: This is not necessarily about marriage luls bye.

What a Perfect Life

Going through the posts on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, looking at those pretty faces and huge houses of your friends, getting text messages from your friends who were so happy because they just received Dean's List, receiving an invitation card for your cousin's wedding, then you were just sighing words "what a perfect life they have."

Having a huge house, a nice villa of one's own family just for a sweet and short escape once in awhile, a beautiful appearance with pretty and flawless face, a good family with dad who is the CEO of one big company, a mom who is well-known among all other moms, cheerful siblings, educated in one of the best educational institution, a perfect gf/bf, a sweet husband, a wife who is best at multitasking, cute kids who could talk fluently at the age of 3 and the list goes on for a perfect life...

That is what a perfect life seems to be, well, at least, what is told in those dramas on tv and novels. Or, that is what we all have been dreaming of. Of a perfect life. Right?

But, the thing is, is that kind of "a perfect life" would definitely last longer? Isn't there any ends to those kind of life? What are the things await for a perfect life? Does a perfect life really means perfect?

I guess that we can never really have a perfect life. It might be impossible that everything is so perfect, nothing is wrong or we are never going to be sad. Everyone is going to encounter so many issues in their life. You might have a big and nice house, but you also going to feel lonely in the place you called your home. You might have a pretty face, but a lot of people might don't like you. You might have a good spouse, but you can't even have a child even after 10 years of marriage. That is life. Nothing is so perfect in this life. No one can be so happy all the time and no one can be so satisfied along the journey of their life.

"I guess that it is okay to not own a perfect life. Enough that you have a kind heart and a brave soul."

Of a very long semester break

Assalamu'alaykum

Second year, first semester. (checked!)

It was really one heck of a ride. But, wait. The result of final exams still not out yet. So, yeah. Let's not stop pray for the best ya everyone :)

Now what?

I have approximately 3 months of semester break. I decided to not register for the short semester, so yeah. Been thinking of what can I do or at least what that I supposed to do during this longgg holidayyy. There's a lot things that I kept in mind before the sem break even began. But somehow, I have forgotten most of them. Ety is so forgetful, ya everyone knows that. -_-"

What else can I do than to re-plan and re-organize everything that I should do. So, here I wrote to you (I actually wrote this to myself since it is in my blog, just for the sake of reminding myself because, ya, I am so forgetful) about the things that (just now) I am planning to do, until the next new semester begins.

Oh let's start with points because I am too lazy constructing words in paragraphs. nvm tho imma do this anyway.

1. First thing that I want to do along this holiday, and in fact, I have just started to do it now is, to write more on my blog. Maybe not everyday, not even once in 3 days, but I will try my best to write once in a week at least. And I have a good feeling that I'll be writing more on blog. And of course, that would not be in vain. I will try to talk about things that matter, beneficial things and all. This is for two things; to motivate myself to read more (because for me, in order to write, I need to read), and to train myself being among those who is so productive in their daily lives. 
2. I will start over, little by little, slowly but surely, focusing on my DeenFleur Hijab. I am planning to re-brand it. But still, everything is under construction. So I decided to not talk about this so much as of for now.
3. I started to love cooking long ago. It just that I don't have so much times to do it and I kind of lazy to cook and all. But now, I am planning to do some lunchbox business and stuff. Before that, I need to train myself more.
4. Also I will do a lot of sharings, through posters and quotes that I'll be creating myself. This is the thing that I am not so sure if I can do it or not. But yeah, let's just try your best, Ety!
5. What else?

May those who have free times could make use of them as best as you can. Until then. :)

Why can't our parents understand us well?

asslamu'alaykum~

so, last few months, i had a random heart-to-heart talk with ibu. talking about everything that happened, discussing about what should i do in the future and all. all about how we're gonna screw this life together. rocking the world as how we would want to.

and guess that, as usual. there will be lotsa things that we both would never agree to one another. when i want this, she would want me to do that. when i proposed to do that, ibu would say that ayah wouldn't like it and that he would prefer me to do this and this and that and this. tapi takde lah kitorang bertekam lidah ohhh nooo. hiks

but i really love it. to have that kind of conversations with ibu and ayah. we don't necessarily have to agree on everything, to one another. nothing is so necessarily goes smoothly between us. i mean, it's normal. because of the difference of the way we think, maybe faktor usia juga. and definitely because of, i am their daughter and they are my parents. i would say that i only see things that is best for me. and that might not be the same as what ibu and ayah think that is.

but as i said, i just love it. to know apa yang ibu and ayah fikir. to figure out apa yang ibu and ayah mahukan from their only daughter.

can't deny it that there are times when i really can't understand why they don't easily agree with me. kadang kadang geram. bila apa yang kita nak buat seolah olah disekat. i've been thinking, why can't our parents understand us well? what is so difficult about understanding your own kids?

just. why?

oh well.

kids, our parents, you really need to always remember this, whatever that seem is not right in their eyes, there will always be reasons behind it. you know, they know us well. i guess, they know us more than we know our own selves. they are the ones yang besarkan kita and they are the ones yang saksikan proses pembesaran kita dari kita lahir sampai kita dah besar. they have seen the changes. from how we behave, from how we react to their orders and all. they've seen them all. and whatever that makes them think as it is, there must be reasons why.

to bring up the issue that they are old and they don't understand us as kids and teens and even freshmen (in our early 20s), kids, they have gone through the times as kids, teens and even adults. our parents sendiri dah rasa macam mana hati memberontak to want this and that, to try this and that. they all have gone through that phase. the phase that we are on journey right now. it's a 'lil bit complicated to understand why we and our parents don't think alike. at times. i'm just wondering why ibu and ayah don't agree if i want to do that one particular thing, whereas, that is what i should've done.

but well, i have no idea why. i am actually quite a rebel. i've always wanted to do things on my own, to do things without anyone's permissions, or even do the things that is sometimes quite not right in people's eyes, but not mine. but at the end of the day. i will end up do the things as what my parents wanted me to do. i mean, not exactly i will do the things that they want, well, i will just do some mix-matching and stuff. whatever that ibu and ayah don't agree with me, i will try to connect it with what actually the purpose of me doing it. now, it's hard to explain this. but i am the one who will never do as oppose to what ibu and ayah wanted me to do. at least, i will try my best to do as what they said. because, at the end of the day. all that our parents want, is the best for us, their forever-kids.

so, whatever you are arguing about with your parents, currently. just try to sit down and discuss and try to figure out the best solutions that meets your needs and their want(s). that's it.

we can think that our parents do not understand us well. but, kids, when you have your own kids in the future, you will know why your parents "can't" understand you well.

P/S: now this is me trying to waste my time writing on my blog and let out whatever on my mind right now. i'm sorry with the way i taip this post (dengan takde uppercase letter nya, dengan bahasa campur nya). simply because, i malas tapi nak jugak menaippp. xD

kbyes.

How do I get this stronng

I just feel like crying.Yes. Crying my lungs out. Crying so hard, as long as I can. Crying myself to sleep. Crying till I can barely breathe. Crying just to let everything off my chest. I just want to cry.

But I can't.

I have no idea why. I am just a person who can't easily cry. It is so hard for me to cry over things, be it small or big matter. I can only cry when I'm in pain. And when I started to cry because of the pain, I will started to cry over things that I've been keeping inside for quite so long.

At times, I just can't figure out. Do I don't easily cry because I am too strong or, is it because I am just a weak girl who can't easily show to people how she felt inside.

am I too strong to cry?

And if I am too strong, what made me being this strong?

I am the only daughter of my family. I only have a brother. You know, at times, people would go and say "you must be such a spoil girl who would get anything that you want", "your parents and your only brother must've done almost everything for you" and the judgments gone too far bit by bit.

Unfortunately, people, things aren't as easy as you thought they were.

Being the only daughter of my family, in fact, has taught me to always try my best to be the most independent girl on earth. There are times when I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. Not even my mom, not even my girlfriends. And I don't have any sisters that I can share what I've always wanted to share with. I only have myself.

Being the only daughter of my family. What more if I only have a brother. I need to always be alert of what my parents wanting me to do this and that for them, alone. At times, I just don't have a time to think about my own self. All I have to do is to put everyone else before me. Because that is all I need to do at the end of the day. To not be selfish. To always make others happy, even if I am not.

There are times, when I just hold everything and keep everything to myself. At one point, I just can't hold it and I would just burst out into tears.

Now, how do I get this strong? To always keep things to myself till all I do is holding my tears. Thus, made me the one who would never cry over things easily.
I just can't cry at the moment. Even I am just so sad. Only God knows how I feel.

But then, what if I can't easily cry because I am just too weak?

How do I get this weak?

To My Friends.

I am actually supposed to study for my hist1000 exam. But here, tonight, I just feel like writing something and yet I really have no idea what to blog about. So, guys. Again, this is where I get most of my fav posts from the FB Page: Open Letters That Matter.

Here.

To my besties, remember this when life hits you hard.

You mean the world to me. 
And I'm not trying to be cheesy or just saying this because I can. 
I'm saying it because I mean it.

You make every day so much brighter 
and I seriously have no idea how I dealt with life before you.

You have been in my life now for years 
and I couldn't thank you enough for loving me 
for who I am and always being here for me.

But I also want you to know
I am always here for you.

I want you to know that things will get hard in life
and at times you will feel alone.

You will want to give up and quit
because things are just so overwhelming but please don't.

Things will be okay,
and I will always be here for you when things get hard.

But I just want you to know you are an amazing woman
and I never want you to lose faith in yourself when things get hard.

Because you have such an amazing life ahead of you.
You have so much to accomplish
and you can't do those things if you give up.

Your future is going to be so bright
if you always remember what you can
and will overcome any hardship that may get in your way.

It may be tough right now,
but it will get better
and you will understand eventually why everything has happened
and how it has made your life better.

Life is a rollercoaster ride
and I understand that you may be worried to talk to me
about whats going on...

But I am here to help,
that's why we are best friends!
I never want you to feel alone
or lose faith in the journey you are going on.

So I hope you know,
that no matter what happens
you can always confide in me.

By Nicole Clements - Writers Page

Tentang Kamu

Ku tak bisa menebak,Ku tak bisa membaca;Tentang kamu...

Kau buatku tertanya,Selalu dalam hatiku;Tentang kamu...

Begitu banyak bintang,Seperti pertanyaanku;Tentang kamu...

Bagaimana bila akhirnya ku cinta kau,Dari kekuranganmu hingga lebihmu.
Bagaimana bila semua benar terjadi,Mungkin inilah,Yang terindah.

Cuma mahu

Untuk malam ini, aku cuma mahu menulis.

Ada rasa-rasa yang terlalu ingin aku luah.

Namun terlalu sukar.

Terlalu begitu banyak halangan.

Terlalu hati aku sering, 

pada akhirnya cuma memendam rasa, 

menanggung perih.

Dan kini,

Cuma mahu,

Diam. 

Of what the future holds...

I can't remember have wrote anything related the future here, like "what imma be in the future", "what the future holds", or "in the future, i will..."

Truth to be told, I am so scared of the future. I guess, I am not the only one. I heard a lot of people are actually claimed that they are worried about what is going to happen.

Until I realized what I had barely done. That is to believe in Qada' and Qadar of Allah. 

I think I...

If it is not love, then I don't know what it is...

I started to think about how you are doing when I don't see you. 

I started to keep thinking of all the things that you've said and done to me, 

during those wee hours when I don't asleep. 

I started to mention your name in my prayers. 

I started to keep waiting for your text messages. 

I started to feel so happy to found your name in my whatsapp notifications. 

I started to just want to tell you when anything happened to me,

be it good or bad things that happened.

I started to think I...

I think I...

I think that I'm in love,

I am in love with you.

If it is not love, then I don't know what it is... 

Hope

"My dear, when I tell you about hope,
I want you to imagine
the sweat dropping off Hajra’s skin
as she insistently runs for water
in the midst of the desert.

I want you to feel
the pain and the strength
of a father like Ibrahim
when he looked into his son’s eyes
as a sacrifice to God;

Feel the betrayal in Yusuf’s heart
when his own flesh and blood
tossed him away like garbage
and the thick darkness inside a whale
where Yunus resided, alone.

I want you to picture the wide sea
in front of your feet
as Musa fled from the pharaoh
and how terrified Asiyah must’ve been
as she resisted her violent husband.

Scream, as Bilal’s bones get crushed
while his mouth uttered the shahada
and wonder how Rasulullah
could still continue his path
as blood was flowing down his head
and soiled meat was thrown at him.

And maybe then
when you see it all, feel it all, imagine it all,
you would learn that
thirst didn’t win over Hajra and Ismael,
and Ismael wasn’t slayed.
Neither did Yusuf end up unsuccessful
and Yunus forgotten.
Musa and his people still crossed the sea,
Bilal saved out of nowhere
and Muhammad’s mission is blooming
like never before -

because my dear
hope means not seeing an escape yourself,
but knowing that Allah
always does."

— “O you who believe! be patient and excel in patience and remain steadfast, and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, that you may be successful.” Q(3:200)

Source : Tumblr

Back on track

She doesn't even know what makes her wanted to write again.

Maybe it is something, or someone.

What or who that made her feels like, 

it'd always be better to put everything into words, 

like how she used to.

No matter what,

even if it is just a random thing

or

maybe a random person,

that made her wanted to write again.

One thing's for sure;

It is always Love that change her,

It is always Love that bring her back on track,

and,

It is always Love that make her to write again.

Because,

all that she used to love is,

to write her heart out. 

Struggle

Assalamu'alaykum~

It has been months. I've been meaning to blog, for I could say, hundreds times tho. But all I did was procrastinating and there I go, I almost forgot that I actually have a blog.

Banyak sangat benda aku kena hadap sekarang. And not everything is as beautiful as the rainbow. I guess that the rain comes more frequently than the rainbow. Or, is there even a rainbow in my life? I could not remember having a rainbow after the rain.

All that I could say now, my health is not getting any better. Somehow my backpain had affect my breathe. Shortness of breathing and chestpain even come more often than ever.

Waiting for my mid-sem break and I will do the full medical checkup with ibu.

Pray for me...

Final Exams ft. Not-Really-in-a-Good Conditions.

Assalamu'alaykum~

Howdy do everyone? Well, me. Not really fine.

Having some issues with my own self now.

With the upcoming final exams of my second semester, I'm currently not doing fine.
Chest pain comes a lot more frequent than it used to. Not sure why. There are times that I'm struggling to breath.

Perhaps I'm just not really good at handling my own pressure. Yes, I'm really bad at it. Once I get so stressed out, it's hard for me to control everything. My emotions, my feelings. Having hard times to even talk to people, to meet and see my own friends.

Those moments when all I want is to cry but nothing comes out of my eyes are now here. I'm chocked. The main cause of my chest pain now, I guess.

Do I really have to go through this alone?
Yes. Because everyone is so busy with their own business. I have to handle mine really well, by my own.

So, chin up dear self. Don't drag people around you along to face what you're facing right now.
Be your own hero.

Even if you are going to tell them what happened, they will never understand you. They will just judge you. All that is gonna left for you are judgments and sympathy. You don't need those two things in your life. Be independent.  

Really wish that everyone could just send me their prayers.

But after all, I guess, I need to overcome this myself.

And to you guys out there, having some difficulties in your life. Stay strong.

Oh, how time flies

11th of December 2016.

After months, finally, I'm back! *tabur bunga-bunga*

Oh, how time flies.
Too many things remain untold. :')
Too many things I wanna share here, but I can't seem to remember any of them now. T_T

After all, throughout these few months, I've been through a lot of things.
Too many things happened I can't even notice about how fast the time has fly.

Now, give me some times to get used to this 'type and tell whatever you want here' habit back.

Until then, love.

An Open Letter To Those Who Feel Lost

I've been meaning to blog but I'm seriously running out words and ideas what to blog about. This time, this post, was not from me. I wasn't the who wrote this. But somehow, this is what I've been feeling these few days. And yeah, enjoy your read!

Source: Open Letters That Matter

How many nights have passed wherein you weren't staring into the hollow darkness of your bedroom ceiling? You're laying there again... feeling empty, hopeless, lost. This conversation could go a million and one ways. People feel lost for an infinite amount of reasons. Nonetheless every story ends the same way: you simply feel stuck, bereft of any perceivable goal, direction, or plan. Since when did you let go of life's unpredictability and trade it for the disorganized rut that's leading you further and further away from your true happiness in the first place?

When did money, bills, or material things come before your joy? Your health? Your passion?

You watch as others work towards reaching their life goals—ceaselessly working, relentlessly grinding, desperately crawling their way up to where they want to go. Everyone is working, hustling, bursting with persistent determination. All for chasing that elusive destination—whatever or wherever it may be.

Everything just happens so fast that if you blink you'll miss it.

But all this struggling? It just doesn't make sense to you.

How can they be sprinting forward whereas you stay there with your feet rooted to the floor with no right destination, no goal, no hope, no dreams, almost as if you can't do anything to escape no matter what you do? How can someone feel so helpless?

There are those cold nights you know all too well. Nights wherein you just lay in bed staring into nothing only to find the will to get up almost an impossible feat. After all, how can someone live without motivation to do anything? Not that you're lazy or you refuse to get anywhere in life. But you just can't find your calling, your purpose, your sense of belonging—and like a tragic tale, it's simply something that people can't understand.

Then the fear starts creeping in.

You grip your sheets and feel the stinging tears threatening to fall—and then your emptiness begins to claw its way out. You begin to fear that you will forever be a lost soul. Endlessly attempting to belong, ceaselessly trying to make a connection, and building bridges that you know in your heart will only crumble into dust in the end.

"I feel lost..." You catch yourself whispering again. You remember the first time you said it, overwhelmed by the gravity of your situation. Come to think of it, you've said it far too many times already that you've lost count. We all know what it's like to feel left out like that and it sucks. It just so happens that some people can maneuver their way out of their own despondence—whereas others can't. The feeling is like being stuck in a maze without a solution. The labyrinths always changing, always morphing into something more difficult, always forcing you back to where you've started.

The thing is, we were raised to believe that we were all born with some cosmic purpose in life that we have to figure out. Some destiny predetermined by an unknown almighty being that we will all end up in no matter what we do. Right? Right. But how sure are we with that? Believing that destiny is something that's laid out for you way before you were even born is pretty much as credible as a fortune cookie saying that your lucky number is 1 but only during a full moon on a Tuesday.

Sure, you're feeling lost now. Maybe you've been a lost soul far too long now. Your sunshine may not come now, maybe not even tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, or the next.

But it WILL.

If you keep building the bridges and making your connections that is.

You just have to remember that simply because you're moving much slower than anyone else, doesn't mean you'll never get there.

Besides, who even said that the destination must be valued more than the journey itself? Sometimes it's not about getting to where you want to be, it's about ending up where you're supposed to be—whether that be the place where you intended to fall or not. Why don't you welcome the scenic route of your hustle with open arms? Why don't you just enjoy being lost? Branch out. Keep throwing your connections. Spin your intricate web of infinite outcomes.

Focus on yourself. Take that leap of faith. Travel. Discover. Fall in love. Take risks. You might be too busy attempting to find yourself in this fast-paced world that you become blind to the things that are right in front of you (which are sadly the most under appreciated). If you still can't find yourself after all this, then create your own destiny. It's that simple.

Embrace your impossible story. You're the one writing it after all. Make it good.

By Daryn Agapay

The Dream

Now, how can I work on this?

Last night I had a dream. A sad dream. A dream where I was crying and was really feel the deep pain inside. I dreamt of you.

I have no idea. Was it because I was thinking too much, overthink, since these past few days or was the dream happened just because.

And yeah, I woke up feeling sad, had a terribly teary eyes. I cried.

I need to stop.

I need to stop thinking about you. I need to stop letting those memories come across my mind again. Or even sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I need to stop living in the past. I need to stop cry thinking about what we used to be. I need to stop thinking about "what if(s)". I need to stop missing you. I just need to stop.

In just a few days, you're going to be somebody's important person in life. You're going to be somebody's prince charming. You're going to be someone's husband.

Yes.

I need to forget every single things about you.

I need to move on.

Now it's about the time. It's time to move on dear self.

Ety, keep your chin up. You're not a weak girl neither you are a loser. Don't be such a fool dear self. Stop hurting your own soul.

To the new me. Until then.

Giving Up on Life

This is gonna be my last update on my blog. I'm gonna go. You're not gonna see me after this.

I'm gonna buy a lot of anti-depressant pills or any kind of pills I could easily get. I'm gonna eat all those pills, all at one time, until I couldn't catch my own last breath.

Or.

I'm gonna take a sharpened knife and cut my hands off. Let the bleeding take all over my body. Let the blood dry and finally, let me run out of bloods and, die. You're not gonna see me again.

Nahhh~

Those are some thoughts of some people who wished to end their life by their own selves. So tragic huh?

Have you ever think if those thoughts are your beloved ones'? Have you ever imagine if your family or even your friends were going to do some stupid stuffs just to end their lives in silence? What would you do if you could read a suicidal person's thoughts?

Often I think, those who have commit suicide were so stupid to do such things. I mean, what were they think? Didn't they think about what would happen to those who loved them? Their parents, their lovers, their friends. They are all the ones who were left behind, misery. It is unfair. To end your life and pass those misery on to the ones who are still alive.

But then again, even those who have commit suicide must've never willing to do that in the first place. They must've think about committing suicide for at least 50 times before they were really do that. There must be some issues to finally made them decided to do as such.

Poor souls, too late we never knew what they've been through.

Have you seen someone who smiled, but with a just-finish-crying face? Their eyes a little bit puffy, their cheeks and nose are red, but we all know that they weren't red because of the cold neither hot weather. They are red because the sadness they've kept since. How about those tearful eyes? Have you seen it before?

Before they feel like the world is nothing but a burden to them, why don't we try to figure out about what we can do? I know, there aren't many things we can do. We can just hold them, hug them and tell them that it's alright, it's gonna be fine. That's the least we can do I think.

Giving up on life is definitely a serious matter one could ever think of. You know, life itself is already hard. Sometimes it could be a burden. And thinking about end one's own lives, it's one big burden. To think between continuing life and to continue face the difficulties in life or to end life but with a heavy heart because you know, there are actually many things one could do to put the smile back on face.

Whoever you are out there. No matter what religion you are, even if you are an atheist. Just have faith. Have faith in your God/gods. Have faith in yourself. You can handle this. This is not a big deal. Say to those difficulties or misery that they got nothing on you. Your life are more beautiful compared to those things that made you want to end your life now. There are still a lot to discover. Life is beautiful, though it is hard.

In my religion, Islam, we were taught to not even hurt ourselves. We were forbidden to cut off our own hands or to swallow pills all at one time. We are prohibited to commit suicide. And there are a lot of wisdom behind these commandments.

And to you, who encounter those people who wished to commit suicide. Never leave them alone. They need you. They need you when there was nobody beside them but you. They need you the most.

Well, you can't really save people. But you can always love them. And that would literally save them.

Heart is Opening

This happened frequently that some of my friends whatsapp me asking about some things regarding my last tweets. Too frequent that even this small matter really is bothering me. Right now.

You know sometimes, I don't even realize about my own tweets. Because I am someone who really tweet randomly. When I was mad, I am tweeting about what's made me mad, when I was sad or unhappy, my tweets will go about all sentimental, melancholic and emotional things and when I am so happy, well, I sometimes laughing and tweeting. So one thing doesn't necessarily means about the whole things, you know what I mean? I mean, I can be sad by now and you can see that I am sad through my tweets. But then after about 2 minutes, I am actually laughing my lungs out, and totally forget about the things that made me sad.

So I am really sorry if my tweets is a big deal enough for you to really care about me. Really. I am sorry and thankful for your concerns. 

It's been years, since I broke up with someone whom I thought would be my one and only prince. (ugh gross). And oh, he's going to get married in a few days time. :)

I know, sometimes, I let the memories takeover my feelings, my emotions and even my tweets. How silly. I should've already stop tweeting my feelings out, I guess, it's not even worth a read. It is so hard to move on when your hopes were too high, and you just wanted everything that you wished for become reality. I am overwhelmed by those thoughts of mine. I'm sorry again. 

Someone said that I should give myself more chances to be happy, I should open up my heart and see the wisdom behind of what happened. I know. That's what I've been doing since these past few years. Once I love, you know, I'm gonna love so hard. I even let myself getting hurt so easily. So I am the one who supposed to be blame in the first place.

*sigh*

It's been years already. Time to really get rid of those memories. Bad and good memories. Time to really focus on my own happiness. It's been 3 years since he has cheated on me. I'm hoping you to not do the same thing to your loved one like what you've done to me. Don't let your devils confiscate other people's happiness. Especially women.

There I go. 

I will try my best to stop tweeting about my own feelings or let my emotions takeover others' wonderful days just to whatsapp me asking about what's going on. I'll be more careful after this. I'll behave myself. I promise. Thanks again for all your concerns, friends.

Until next time. xoxo